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AN OPEN LETTER TO HOTELIERS

Dear Hoteliers,

We’ve been sleeping together for a long time, so I hope I can be frank with you. I’m only telling you this because I love hotels.

I know that you work hard for my satisfaction, and I appreciate all that you do: the chocolates on my pillows, the iPod dock, designer brand toiletries. But sometimes I feel frustrated by a few of the things you do (often with good intentions). May I share some opportunities for improvement with you? They’re pretty simple and they may even save you money.

GUEST SATISFACTION TIPS FOR HOTELIERS

STOP CALLING. Five minutes after entering my room, I’m either showering, using the toilet, settling in for a nap, or having sex. Not good times to talk. So enough with the front desk calls inquiring if “everything is ok”. I’m a big girl: if it’s not, I’ll let you know. Plus, I don’t want to touch that skeevy telephone receiver.

STRAIGHTFORWARD FIXTURES. I’m tired of complex shower handles, complicated thermostats and high-tech clock radios that require an advanced engineering degree to operate. Less is more to the mechanically challenged like me: please stick to hot/cold, temperature up/down and radio on/off.

SHEETS. What happened to all of the sheets? When did a single duvet become acceptable? Bring back sheets, I want to feel tucked-in.

VOLTAGE CONVERTERS. Hoteliers: If you’re an American hotel chain, you charge more than $150 a night, and your property is located ouside of the U.S., please, please, please maintain a sufficient supply of converters for your guests. These suckers weigh about 5 pounds — I’d prefer not to schlep one around my entire trip.

Hotel Toilet Paper RollMANHANDLED TP. Spare the housekeepers from forming origami out of the toilet paper. The less people handle something that touches my bare ass, the better.

STOP THE MARKETING INSANITY. Remove all of your propaganda urging me to try you spa/restaurant/room service from the bedstand, desk, bathroom counter, etc. It hardly makes me feel at home. And by the way, you’re not fooling anyone by asking us to re-use our towels because of your concern for the environment. We get that you’re trying to save on laundry costs.

COMFORTABLE ROOM TEMPERATURE. Enough with the blasting air conditioning (remember, your hotel is deeply concerned about the environment): set the default room temperature at a reasonable 70 degrees fahrenheit. While I’m on the subject, allow us guests control over our own thermostats and please don’t mess with them once we’ve programmed them.

NO STUFF TOUCHING. If you want to arrange my cosmetics in size order, that’s unnecessary but ok with me, just please leave my clothing in my luggage. When you hang it up I leave it behind.

FORCED FRIENDLINESS. I don’t stay at a hotel to make friends so knock it off with forcing every staff member to say “hi” to me (that means you, Four Seasons Austin). It’s insincere and exhausting for guests and staff alike, and genuine courtesy suffices.

IXNAY ON THE ETHERNET CABLES. They’re about as current as 8-track tapes and rotary phones. Stop nickle-and-diming us and provide free wi-fi in the rooms, public areas, and pool.

OPTIONAL BELL SERVICE. Don’t push bell service on me. If I’ve managed to lug my big bag down the steps of my building, into the overhead bin and rental car trunk and halfway around the world myself I don’t need to pay someone 5 bucks to roll it the last 200 feet.

ENJOY THE SILENCE. There’s really no need to turn-on the television or radio for me during turn-down service. Its jarring upon entry. Plus, I really, really don’t want to touch that tv remote control with god-knows-what kind of fluids dried onto it. Feel free to leave extra chocolates, though.

Thank you, hoteliers, for your consideration of my suggestions.

With Love,

Esme

 

RELATED ARTICLES/POSTS FOR HOTELIERS

Frequent Business Traveler:  Hotel Pet Peeves – What Bugs You Most in 2012

FlyerTalk Forum: What are Your Top Hotel Pet Peeves, 2012 edition

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RUDE TRAVELERS – WORST OF THE WORST

Who are the most obnoxious people? Buckeye fans? Soccer Moms in the the Wal-Mart toy aisle on Black Friday morning? The 1%? Tea Partiers? Real Housewives? None of the above. The most obnoxious people are rude travelers. Something about airports and airplanes brings out the worst in people.

Rude Travelers Chafe Larry David

MOST RUDE TRAVELERS

Seat Hoggers: It’s standing room only in the boarding area and you’ve got the gall to use the seat next to you for your carry-on bag. Born in a barn?

Boarding Gate Blockers: You’re Boarding Group 9? Then get out of my way.

Space Invaders: I don’t care if you *are* 7′ 10″ and weigh 315 pounds: it’s not my problem, remove your elbow from my gallbladder. Oh, and that puffy winter jacket that you’re wearing? It goes overhead. I’ll concede the armrest to you, but my charity ends there.

Space Pouters: Your space begins at the point where my tilted-back seat ends, and ends at the point where your tilted-back seat ends, and it’s the same for everyone on the plane — including me — except for the people in the front row and the poor schmucks in the back row. I know this can be a challenging concept because you can’t see the space behind you. Regardless, spare me your indignation when I exercise my right to recline. FULL RECLINATION IS MY RIGHT.

Aisle Rushers: I learned back in kindergarten to exit the bus row by row, from front to back. We all grasped the concept before first grade, even Eddie Hibner. But if disembarking four seconds sooner than the rest of us is more important to you than your dignity, go for it.

Carousel Crowders: Do you and your entire, nuclear, extended family — plus your luggage cart — really need to loom over the baggage carousel like you’re in a football huddle? Here’s a crazy idea: step BACK so everyone can see and step UP to grab your luggage when it comes around.

Children.

Rude travelers: Repent!

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