Dear Hoteliers,
We’ve been sleeping together for a long time, so I hope I can be frank with you. I’m only telling you this because I love hotels.
I know that you work hard for my satisfaction, and I appreciate all that you do: the chocolates on my pillows, the iPod dock, designer brand toiletries. But sometimes I feel frustrated by a few of the things you do (often with good intentions). May I share some opportunities for improvement with you? They’re pretty simple and they may even save you money.
GUEST SATISFACTION TIPS FOR HOTELIERS
STOP CALLING. Five minutes after entering my room, I’m either showering, using the toilet, settling in for a nap, or having sex. Not good times to talk. So enough with the front desk calls inquiring if “everything is ok”. I’m a big girl: if it’s not, I’ll let you know. Plus, I don’t want to touch that skeevy telephone receiver.
STRAIGHTFORWARD FIXTURES. I’m tired of complex shower handles, complicated thermostats and high-tech clock radios that require an advanced engineering degree to operate. Less is more to the mechanically challenged like me: please stick to hot/cold, temperature up/down and radio on/off.
SHEETS. What happened to all of the sheets? When did a single duvet become acceptable? Bring back sheets, I want to feel tucked-in.
VOLTAGE CONVERTERS. Hoteliers: If you’re an American hotel chain, you charge more than $150 a night, and your property is located ouside of the U.S., please, please, please maintain a sufficient supply of converters for your guests. These suckers weigh about 5 pounds — I’d prefer not to schlep one around my entire trip.
MANHANDLED TP. Spare the housekeepers from forming origami out of the toilet paper. The less people handle something that touches my bare ass, the better.
STOP THE MARKETING INSANITY. Remove all of your propaganda urging me to try you spa/restaurant/room service from the bedstand, desk, bathroom counter, etc. It hardly makes me feel at home. And by the way, you’re not fooling anyone by asking us to re-use our towels because of your concern for the environment. We get that you’re trying to save on laundry costs.
COMFORTABLE ROOM TEMPERATURE. Enough with the blasting air conditioning (remember, your hotel is deeply concerned about the environment): set the default room temperature at a reasonable 70 degrees fahrenheit. While I’m on the subject, allow us guests control over our own thermostats and please don’t mess with them once we’ve programmed them.
NO STUFF TOUCHING. If you want to arrange my cosmetics in size order, that’s unnecessary but ok with me, just please leave my clothing in my luggage. When you hang it up I leave it behind.
FORCED FRIENDLINESS. I don’t stay at a hotel to make friends so knock it off with forcing every staff member to say “hi” to me (that means you, Four Seasons Austin). It’s insincere and exhausting for guests and staff alike, and genuine courtesy suffices.
IXNAY ON THE ETHERNET CABLES. They’re about as current as 8-track tapes and rotary phones. Stop nickle-and-diming us and provide free wi-fi in the rooms, public areas, and pool.
OPTIONAL BELL SERVICE. Don’t push bell service on me. If I’ve managed to lug my big bag down the steps of my building, into the overhead bin and rental car trunk and halfway around the world myself I don’t need to pay someone 5 bucks to roll it the last 200 feet.
ENJOY THE SILENCE. There’s really no need to turn-on the television or radio for me during turn-down service. Its jarring upon entry. Plus, I really, really don’t want to touch that tv remote control with god-knows-what kind of fluids dried onto it. Feel free to leave extra chocolates, though.
Thank you, hoteliers, for your consideration of my suggestions.
With Love,
Esme
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